Driving the children insane.

This is my best recollection of the exchange I had with Madisyn (my daughter's older sister - she's 8) on our way to a birthday party last night. It passes the time, and had my daughter laughing the hardest I've ever seen. Evil humor must run in the family.

Madisyn: Wanna hear a joke?

Chris: Sure.

M: Knock Knock!

C: Knock Knock, who?

M: No! You were supposed to say, "who's there!"

C: HA! that WAS a good joke, Madisyn!

M: THAT WASN'T THE JOKE.

C: Are you sure?

M: YES.

C: If you say so. Try it again.

M: OK, but this time when I say "knock knock", you say "who's there".

C: OK, but this time when I say knock knock, you say who's there, who?

M: CHRIS!

C: Sorry, I don't get it.

M:GRRRR.

M: KNOCK. KNOCK.

C: Who's there?

M: BANANA.

C: HELP! THERE'S A TALKING BANANA TRYING TO GET INTO MY HOUSE! SAVE YOURSELVES!

M: AAAAGH! You're not SUPPOSED to be scared of the banana!

C: You should have told me. If you think about it, that kinda makes it your fault this joke got all messed up.

M: Knock Knock!

C: Who's there?

M: Banana.

C: Hi, Banana! Come one in - the door's unlocked!

M: I am going to kill you.

C: I thought you said I wasn't supposed to be scared of the Banana, Madisyn.

M: Please stop.

C: Okay. Sorry.

M: You promise?

C: Sure.

M: Knock Knock!

C: Who's there?

M: Banana.

C: Banana who?

M: Knock Knock!

C: Who's there?

M: Banana.

C: Banana who?

M: Knock Knock!

C: Who's there?

M: Orange.

C: Hey Orange, if you see Banana out there, tell him I'm gonna kick his ass for knocking on my damn door over and over!

M: CHRIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS!!

C: Oh, look... we're here! Good joke, Madisyn.

Conservatives attempt to expose the deep-seated liberal bias

http://newsbusters.org/blogs/matthew-balan/2009/05/15/cnns-john-roberts-fails-press-gore-bush-criticism-whopper#comment_form

Gore claimed that he had “waited two years after I left office to make statements that were critical, and then of the policy.” In reality, he made a significant policy speech denouncing the Bush administration’s pre-war policy towards Iraq in September 2002.

September 2002 is, depending upon the exact day, 7 or 8 months after January - the month Presidents take office. 2002 is a year after 2001 - the year Bush was inaugurated.

1 year + 8 months = 1.66 years.

Yes boys and girls: the liberal media let Al Gore off the hook for the unpardonable sin of rounding.

Funny Things...

I find it funny that if liberals reflect the views of 65% of the country and criticize a Republican President's handling of our country after several years, they are unpatriotic because they should stand by their president during wartime. However, if there's a Democratic President with a disapproval rating that's as small as the Republican's approval, it's perfectly alright to talk about secession from the union after 3 months in office, even though the very same war is underway.

I think its funny that the liberal networks have an incredibly biased stranglehold on our news coverage, yet CNN gave Conservative personality Glenn Beck his Prime time break, MSNBC hosts conservative Joe Scarborough (and formerly Michael Savage), while Fox News has no liberal shows. If it weren't for Fox News and their parent company Newscorp's holdings of The New York Post, The Wall Street Journal, barrons, Marketwatch, The Weekly Standard, Fox Studios, and Fox Business channel, there's be no conservative voice to be heard. Except for almost the entirety of AM talk radio, Drudge Report, and National Review, to name a few.

I think its funny that after blasting the Democratic budget as unrealistic big spending, Republicans initially release a budget with absolutely no numbers. Then they release a budget that actually cost More than the Democrats' plan!

I think its funny that conservatives believe Americans should have the right to hoard semi-automatic weapons with armor-piercing ammo and pollute for profit without Big Government's interference, but if somebody wants to give legal protection to their love for someone with the same naughty parts, that same government needs to step in and save the day.

I think its funny that a party who claims to be the party of values would impeach a Democratic president for having an affair, despite the fact that several of the congressmen leading the charge were actively engaged in affairs themselves. its even funnier that they argued it would be wrong to impeach a Republican President for giving false evidence in his case for war, even though no democratic congressmen were giving false evidence to start wars at the time.

I think its funny that when a Democrat is president during a booming economy, it is thanks to the Republican who went before him. When a Republican is president during a faltering economy, its due to the Democrat who went before him. But when a Democrat inherits a failing economy, its congress's fault.

I think its funny that releasing documents that state we practice waterboarding after talking non-stop about waterboarding for the past year is an unconscionable risk to national security, but its alright to out an undercover CIA agent if you're mad at their spouse.

I think its funny that Bush's 2004 win with just a 2% margin of the popular vote was "a clear mandate to advance a conservative agenda over the next four years.", but Obama's win with 7% proves that America is still a center-right country.

On McCain

Did you know:

• John McCain was a P.O.W?
• John McCain's P.O.W. experience makes him uniquely qualified to lead?
• John McCain is a Maverick?

I was unaware of these important facts as well, until they were beaten into my skull on an hourly basis for the past half year. Apparently, this is all the election centers around.

I, for one, have reservations about how being a prisoner of war makes you ready to lead the country (notice how its no longer 'lead the free world'? thank dubya for that). Correct me if I'm wrong, but one of the goals of most military operations is, quite simply, don't get caught. So, McCain's capture amounts to mission failure - which is the opposite of 'Mission Accomplished'... well, at least before it was put on a banner. I'm not trying to say it should be held against him, but he needs to quit waving it in everybody's face.

I also find it quite interesting that all the Republicans place so much stock in McCain's POW cred and how he trounces Obama in readiness to lead, but couldn't have given two shits about it 8 years ago when McCain ran against a reformed alcoholic who used his daddy to avoid real military service for the Republican nomination. By historical Republican priorities, Bush > McCain; seems like they're changing their system of measurement.

One of the problems I have with modern republican campaigning in general is how they use situations unwillingly thrust upon a candidate as proof of their character. John McCain did not tunnel himself into a Vietnamese prison - he was captured and placed there against his will(to be fair, he did refuse special treatment as the son of an admiral after capture), just like Bush and Giuliani were sworn into office before 9/11, and shouldn't be revered for handling the crisis, since it was part of their job description.

A good Democratic parallel is Joe Biden, whose wife and infant child died in a tragic automobile accident. If you were forced to choose either 5 years imprisonment or losing your spouse and baby, which would you choose? I don't think I'd go casket shopping. Yet despite the fact that Biden's tragedy was the greater of the two, he doesn't milk it at every available opportunity like it was an accomplishment.

I'm not trying to denigrate military service, nor do I believe its a requirement -or even a plus- for anyone who seeks the presidency; the military is run by our government, and not the other way around. So, to you POW cheerleaders: until you have evidence that McCain's room in the Hanoi Hilton was stocked with books on global economics, multinational diplomacy and constitutional law...

...shut the hell up.

Dammit to Hell, John Edwards

I'm sure you've heard by now about John Edwards admitting to having an affair; shit, you were able to find my tiny little blog. This man actually ran for president with this skeleton in his closet; even worse - he created it while preparing for his campaign! To think that this man - my original pick for the ticket - would endanger the party and the future of this country in such a manner is disheartening. Could you imagine if he were the nominee right now, a mere 3 months before the election, and this came to light? There would be next to no chance of McCain losing. The republicans have a very solid track record of picking up the adultery football and running it for a touchdown.

But this isn't about them.

After 8 years of Bush in office, and the complete mess the country is in (justice department, Iraq, housing bubble, torture, our image abroad, katrina, etc), this election is more than just a popularity contest - this, truly, is possibly our last chance to choose a different path for our country for quite some time. To risk America's future because "President Edwards" happens to have a nice ring to it is an atrocity.

Good-bye, John Edwards. As someone who voted you into the Senate so many years ago, got excited when Gore was considering you in 2000, and was thrilled to see you on Kerry's ticket in 2000, you had my respect in abundance.

Not anymore.

New Clinton Campaign Sticker!

Quotes to ponder

Naturally the common people don’t want war. But after all, it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it’s always a simple matter to drag people along whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and for exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country.

Hermann Goering, Hitler’s Reich Marshall

The Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.

George Washington (you might know him), Treaty with Tripoli

To Catch a Predator/Complete Asshat

You've at least heard about the show, maybe you've even seen it, where Chris Hansen confronts pervs who are caught in a chat-room sting for trying to have sex with a 13 or 14 year old. Of course these guys are sick and deserve their fate, but what gets me is how INCREDIBLY STUPID they are to boot.

First off, most of these mental giants are already aware of this program and the sting operations. Even so, they waltz right into the trap like a total retard. "well, she said she wasn't a part of it"- do you really think the decoy would go "crap, you got me- I'm part of a sting operation!" This also displays an utter lack of pattern recognition skills: if they had "to catch a pirate", where people downloaded mp3's from limewire only to have the police come arrest them, I'd probably uninstall limewire and quit downloading mp3's.

Another thing that gets me is that they use young model/actresses (and actors) as the decoys. Guys, guys, guys... how can I put this delicately? The blonde-hair/ blue-eyed cheerleader archetype you crushed on in 9th grade isn't going to suddenly find you irresistible now that you've gone bald, grown a beer belly so large it makes the angels weep, and got a kickin' job cleaning pools. Look at yourself: would you do you? Being older might net you bonus points on some of the ladies' scorecards, but holy hell, it is NOT a cure-all.

Also, did I miss the changing of the guard, due to my last 10 years of serious relationships, where the courtship ritual transformed into "trade vital stats with a complete stranger, swap pictures, meet and screw"? If this were true, I'd totally be kicking my self in the ass over all the time I wasted feigning interest as chicks talked about the dreams they had the nights before. But it's not true (however, I'm still not crazy about the time I spent listening to dream interpretation prattle). I'm curious how the internal monologue for these rocket scientists would read:

"Awesome, this 13-year old I met online just 10 minutes ago is totally gonna give her virginity to me RIGHT NOW! I am a smooth-talking mofo! Where are my car keys?"

I know the young girls aren't quite as sophisticated as their legal counterparts, but they're still not going to sleep with your grimy ass after a 10 minute Q&A. Idiot.

One thing that killed me was how many of these creeps were married! Why in the name of a thousand hells would anyone complicate their life with an affair that could end with being taken away in handcuffs upon discovery? Something tells me she'll get the house in the divorce proceedings. On a side note: I totally believe you should give your spouse a little bit of privacy, but if he can set up a date to drive 2 hours away for some preteen action, you might need to keep slightly better tabs on what he's doing.

What the hell are these people thinking? These people are literally throwing their lives away because they want a specific type of person to press their happy button. Does the little brain truly have that much control? Can they not control themselves, or are they truly stupid enough to think they're getting away with it? Why even go illegal: if you're 50, is there really that big a difference between 13 and 18? It's not exactly something I condone, but at least its legal. Sure beats risking jail for the chance to talk about Paris vs Lindsey and middle school power struggles.

Defending Bush's Commutation of Libby

As you know, President Bush commuted Scooter Libby's prison sentence, prompting a strong reaction from the left. I am forced to break rank with my brethren and disagree.

This commutation was a victory for America's two-party system (and independents too!). Without the contrast of Republicans vs Democrats, our government would crumble. How can we expect our nation's elite to enter a career in Republican politics if they might face actual jail time for lying, cheating, and otherwise subverting our systems of government?

Furthermore, we all know that the real misdeeds in this Plame fiasco lie higher up the totem pole than ol' Scooter. Shame on us for dancing a jig because a henchman, an underling, actually got in trouble- "at least we got someone, dammit!". By robbing the left of the empty victory it so smugly enjoyed, the fires of indignation are stoked once more.

HaikuReporter Spotlight

Republican has /
Open Government Act blocked /
by a secret hold.

Okay... this is totally fricking batshit insane. Tinfoil-hat wearing, devil-made-me-microwave-the-baby insane. The Open Government Act, which was a bipartisan effort to allow the American Public better access to information by making the government more accountable, was put on hold by a lone Republican Senator.

But we can't find out who.

And we also don't get to know why.

(Cue the Alanis Morissete song.)

Apparently, someone thinks we're not able to digest raw truth and should simply continue eating what Papa George spoon-feeds us. I'm curious to see how the right-wing talking heads try to spin this one.